Oso Poops and Farts

Here is a chain of emails I sent Ms.T-Hawks this morning.

Mohawks spelled this morning. We were coloring and Mohawks drew an "O" and then an "S" and than an "O" all by himself. I asked him what he was drawing and he told me "Special Agent Oso. See... O.. S... O."

And then a little later Mohawks said Oso! Oh... ess.. oh... Oso... and then he started singing the song.

Just now I asked him as if I didn't know... "Hey Mohawks, how do you spell Oso?"

"You just use an oh... and an ess... and an oh."

About 20 minutes later:

Okay... so I'm now using OSO to explain to Mohawks sounds. Up until today we've worked mostly on recognizing letters. We've worked a little on what sounds those letters made, but Mohawks didn't understand why we did that.

Now I can use Oso to show him how the sounds go together with the letters to form a word. Once I explained it he quickly read the word Dog with prompting and the word Dad without prompting!

About 20 minutes later:

Oh too much fun! Mohawks can spell poop!

About 10 mintues later:

Well, we're done for the day. We've been writing the sentences "...poops and farts." and filling in the blank with a name. "Daddy poops and farts." "Oso poops and farts." "Mommy poops and farts." And then, of course, we giggle uncontrollably! Mohawks draws little pictures next to the sentence of the person pooping and farting.

Now, I know that there are going to be parents who read this that think that sophomoric activity is just revolting. All I have to say is that for an hour today a Dad and his son laughed together. And my 4 year old can read!

Careful what you wish for... Lesbians are on the move!

I read an article in CNN.com today about how it is becoming fashionable for women to ditch male partners in favor of female partners. I was raised by gay men, you won't find a more pro-gay straight man in America than I am. My Dads are two of the greatest human beings I know. However, I also have a lesbian ex-wife. We were married at 20 and divorced at 23. What did we know, we were kids? I'm pretty sure she was attracted to my parents and not to me. They were the only gay people she knew.

So I'm a bit ahead of the fashion curve.

The problem I have with the Lesbian being the new chic is that men don't stand a chance. I mean when women and men are young and in our 20's we're all attractive and sex is fun! When we start having children and we turn dumpy and our careers take off and the children always have a need, life sometimes gets in the way of sex, and almost certainly gets in the way of the fun, off the hook, crazy sex you had a decade ago.

Now when we hit our late 30's and early 40's if women can then choose not to be bothered with surly men and smelly old shoes we're doomed! Men don't stand a chance.

What person of that 30something age group, male or female, wouldn't enjoy spending an evening with their best friend? Someone that understands you without having to explain it. Someone who gets your emotions. Or gets that hate you have for the New England Patriots. If this becomes a socially acceptable alternative men are doomed! Why would a woman choose a dumpy old man when she could have an attractive peer who understands she doesn't have problems and they most certainly don't need fixed.

How many times did we say "Honey, are you sure you don't want to try a threesome?"

Be careful what you wish for... she may say "yes."

Susan Boyle

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk

Susan Boyle's performance on Britain's Got Talent ought to be required viewing to all High Schoolers.

I didn't understand the hoopla until I watched the entire performance. It isn't her surprisingly outstanding voice. But it is her hidden confidence in the face of social attack. She smiled at the leering audience with a chesire grin as if to say "You sophomore's are in for a real surprise." She was, of course right.

She made us all feel very small, very judgmental. She made us all realize how unloving we can be. She has done more for spreading love than any person has ever done in 6 minutes.

Susan Boyle most certainly deserves her 15 minutes!

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary GW and Crista LeMaster!

Mobile Webbing

Today I went to the park with my children and caught up on my email, updated my calendar, and checked this weekends weather. Recently I purchased a sprint wireless modem, it plugs into my laptop's USB port and I can watch the kids playing at the park at the same time I catch up on the latest NFL rumors!

But tonight I discovered the added bonus. I am currently sitting in the basement living room watching Sprout with the little ones and singing the songs while typing this blog. Before the basement was a deadzone, it was eerily sans internet. I could only get the wireless signal I stole from my neighbor from the kitchen table. I tell you this moment makes this months bill worth every penny!

Dude, fatherhood rocks!

Key to success

So yesterday I decided to take the kids to the zoo. After getting She-Hawks, Lil Hawks and Mohawks all excited, and dealing with the expected temper tantrum brought on by overexcitement. I had all three kids in jackets and waiting by the door. As I put on my jacket and searched my pockets for keys I realized they weren't there.

An hour later, I grumpily told the kids to take off their jackets we weren't going.

Yeah. That went well.

Luckily about 45 minutes later Ms.T-Hawks returned home and I used her keys. I still haven't found my keys. But you try getting an 11 year old, a 4 year old and a 2 year old excited to go to the zoo and then tell them at the last minute we aren't going. NOT FUN!

However the day was saved and we saw Polar Bears (not dinnertime! see early entry for reference) and Spectacled Bears and Black Bears. We saw Foxes and Mexican Wolves and Turkey's. We saw Red-Tailed Hawks and Lions. Let me just say that a half-hearted Lion's roar in the zoo is still a pretty intimidating sound (it was the first time I'd actually seen the lions awake in the zoo.)

And we saw a skunk. Now the problem with the skunk was that it was in a cage that had a glass wall only about 2 feet high. So that the little kids could go up to the cage and peer over the top and even reach down inside the cage! I could not get Lil Hawks and Mohawks away from that cage quickly enough! Just what I needed was a kid annoying a skunk and get squirted for the hour ride home!

And we rode the carousel... and we rode.... and we rode... and we rode, rode, Rode, RODE! I believe that I could put together a photo album of each of the kids on every animal on that carousel.

Here is a photo of She-Hawks (that is Mohawks in the background falling off the shark!)

Mohawk down!

If you read the blog beneath this one you will read all about Hawks, Jr's official name change to Mohawk.

So after Mohawk got his new fauxhawk hair cut Miss T.Hawks had to go out of town for the week on business. Its just me and the kids all week. No problem. I got this.

Apparently Mohawk is feeling kind of daring with his new do! He broke his arm today. Yeah, I know.... I thought I had this. He was jumping on the couch as far as I could tell. See I wasn't actually in the room. While Dad was upstairs vacuuming the living room (see what housework does? Down with it, I say, down with housework) Mohawk was downstairs playing astronaut or superman or see-how-much-trouble-I-can-get-Dad-in-Man.

So I've got Mohawk downstairs on the couch. His arm propped up on a pillow.

"Does it hurt here?"
"No."
"Does it hurt here?"
"Ow."
"Does it hurt here?"
"Ow!"
"Does it hurt here?"
"HERE DAD! IT HURTS HERE! NOT HERE. NOT HERE. HERE!"

I guess it hurts there. Yep, definately broken.

Now we're all piled into the van on the way to the hospital. Lil-Hawks singing Old McDonald Had a Farm. Mohawk pulling through like a trooper. And me... trying to decide whether or not to call Miss T. Hawks... who should be driving back from Detroit with about 3 hours left of her drive.

In a rare moment of clarity and manness, I called her.

You know it went well. About as well as "You broke my son?!" could go.

After that phone call I decide that while I have a captive audience it might be a good time for an object lesson. Because, you know, driving to the hospital with a broken arm is such a pleasant experience I'm sure Mohawk was in the perfect mood for a lecture.

"Mohawk, that is why Daddy tells you not to jump on the couch. It is very easy to get hurt. You need to listen to Daddy when he tells you to do something."

I felt pretty good about that. Its a good time to show a life example and maybe gain a little familial respect.

"Oh my, what happened to you?" asked the nurse as we entered the hospital.

"I didn't listen to my Daddy."

That screeching sound you just heard was the world stopping as every hospital worker within earshot stopped what they were doing and glared at me!

Yeah.... about that familial respect.

Luckily my son is articulate enough to answer the follow up questions honestly and I didn't go to jail. But seriously... when those words came out of his mouth I knew I was going to be Mike Vick's girlfriend.

Hawks, Jr.

Hawks, Jr. has been the star of the family for the past week. First he had a name change. After much talking and pleading and promising he convinced his mother to allow him to get a mohawk. For years I, along with most other men, have been saying "I really don't care" about hair. I honestly can say that I could care less about hair. I never thought about hair. I don't like to comb hair. I don't look at hair.

All of the sudden I care about hair. Lil-Hawks has been begging me to learn how to do pony tails and pig tails and how to use hair pretties and now I'm faced with the prospect of Mom saying "Yes" to a mohawk for our 4 year old.

Is she crazy?

But more importantly how is it that our 4 year old was able to convince his mother it would be cool? Now I'm faced with an unpopular veto or risk having my son wear a mohawk to church on Sundays.

Then it dawned on me, she set me up. Miss T.Hawks set me up to be the bad guy. She couldn't say no to the little beggar and she knew I would. Well I fixed her. I got Hawks, Jr. a Fauxhawk. Its kind of like a mohawk... but you can hide on Sunday morning.

Now Hawks, Jr (who will officially be called Mohawk from now on) sports himself a shiney new mohawk Mon-Sat and a nice conservative look on Sunday.

Ha to you Miss T.Hawks! Ha, I say!